Photoshopped by David Simon (COM '21).
Sophia Stio (COM '22)

Sophia is a Junior in COM.

In a televised conference Thursday afternoon, White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki announced that President Joseph Robinette Biden would be given a special reward in the coming days. 

“It is an honor to announce that the President has recently been presented with a tremendous prize,” explained Psaki. “After three months of walking stoically around the White House in a misguided effort to flex on the TL, Vice President Harris has decided to gift the President some long-deserved sitting time. Major, stop pooping on my leg!”  

This reward comes almost immediately after President Biden fired “fun” staff members who had a history of weed usage. These staff members, known as “the cool crew,” were in charge of capturing President Biden’s daily strolls on camera. 

“It’s a shame that Joe won’t be walking around anymore,” remarked former White House photographer and cannabis user Jim “Joint” Mannigan. “I’m going to miss Joey yelling ‘Joint, snap this you freakin’ pot head’ at me every time he walked anywhere. On second thought, I don’t even care that I got fired. More time to smoke this lettuce! Major, stop pooping on my leg!” 

While many people have been vocal about the recent news of Biden’s walking hiatus, one person has neglected to comment – President Biden himself. At Press time, The Bunion tried their hardest to snag a quote pertaining to the reward, but Biden refused. However, our team was able to covertly attach a mic to Major Biden. It is important that we mention that Major Biden pooped on us in the process.

In the secretly recorded audio that we gathered, President Biden can be heard saying, “Jesus Christ, I can’t wait to sit my ass down” and “Why do the Instagram people have me walking so much? Don’t I have to sign shit?” 

The Bunion would like to wish President Biden a restful break. While we will surely miss your Instagram posts with captions like “Day 74 down,” we know how hard it is for a 78-year-old to walk for 720 hours straight. 

We would also like to announce that Major Biden has been elected as the head of our new investigative journalism department. When asked to offer a comment, he replied with “woof, motherfucker.” 

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