By Maggie Vatter (CAS ’22)

Tension was afoot in the Biden household. The crazy Russian neighbor had encroached upon the Bidens’ lawn one too many times and things have really escalated since then, causing everyone to be stressed out. A nice cold beer and a smoke was much needed.

Laying in a sweat-stained, stretched out wife beater on a couch scratched up by Chairman Meow, President Biden beckoned his right-hand, Kamala. “Go run down to the packy and grab Daddy Biden some cigarettes” he said, as he flicked her a nickel “You know the ones I like- newports!” Just as Kamala put on her ratty, cigarette hole filled coat Biden added “And whateva’s left over you can buy yourself a nice little pop or something.” On her wait out she passed Mrs. Biden with her hair in an unkempt messy bun and aggressively washing the dishes, along with Hunter Biden as gelled his hair and flexed in the mirror. Kamala had asked the both of them if they needed anything but they just ignored her- a typical interaction.

Kamala made her way down the street to Bunghole Liquors, a place that might as well just been her second home these days. She went into the store and headed for the counter. “One pack of newports, please!” Kamala asked as she slid the cashier her nickel. 

The cashier, named Bungholio, laughed in her face and said “A nickel? What is this… 1921?” Kamala felt extremely embarrassed. The cashier continued to “Actually you know what? Prices of commodities and things like rent have steadily, if not deeply, increased over the past 70 years. What the American public doesn’t realize is that their incomes do not reflect this. CEOs salaries have continued to rise while the average worker’s salary has practically remained stagnant. While this can be attributed to the decline in union membership, a large part of responsibility falls on the elected officials who were sworn to protect them and have failed to do so.” Kamala was taken aback by this: was he upset because she needed another nickel?

Bungholio leaned in closer to her face “Next time you come into my packy with just a nickel, you might as well just throw it in the trash. That’s what your dumb nickel is worth to me and that’s what your administration has been so far.” Kamala wailed all the way back to the White House with Bungholio’s spit in her face.

Daddy Biden was extremely disappointed in VP Harris and sent her to bed without dinner.

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