By: Avery Beaumont

BOSTON – It’s that time of year again. Jackets are coming off and Mugar Library is stocking up on Monster and four-ply tissues. Everyone handles the end of the semester differently. Some people forget they have loved ones, while others learn their professor’s name for the first time. To commemorate the start of finals season, The Bunion asked students how much they wanted to throw up and cry when they reread their syllabi.

“I’m not too worried,” said CAS ‘22 Senior Pete Wiener at an Allston house party last weekend, “My grades could be better, but I’ve still got time to turn this around. I’m just gonna draw a smiley face at the end of my final and hope for the best. Manifestation, you know? Good vibes only. And if anything goes wrong, there’s always next semester.”

After this statement, our representative pointed out that there would be no “next semester” for Wiener as he’s been a senior for three semesters now and is likely to graduate. “Graduation, what’s that?” he asked.

Upon hearing the concept that he would no longer be a college student after May 22nd, all skin pigmentation left Wiener’s face. The student fell silent while his eyes gazed into the distance, as if he were watching a flash of his time in the Gulf War. Our representative asked if he was all right, to which he answered affirmatively as he threw his solo cup of tequila and whiskey on his sophomore girlfriend’s head.

According to inside sources, Wiener has since spent his days huddled by a GSU trashcan, rocking back and forth and whispering in what Linguistics majors say is the dead language Aramaic. He also started painting various runes on his forehead and burning something that looks like sage but smells like arsenic. He no longer eats solid food either, for fear that it would lead to nostalgia for campus dining, a sin he claims is worse than blaspheming the Holy Spirits – yes, he said spirits. Plural. And at night, he can be heard on BU Beach leading Gregorian chants, which seems to have attracted dozens of students who many passersby have confused for the line for a Mayday Parade concert. 

“Yeah, that’s def a cult,” said sociology professor Eric Morris.

We spoke with his advisor to try and make sense of this behavior, and it turns out that Wiener isn’t even graduating in May. “Not with that many incompletes!”

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