Alex Schaffer

Alex is a graduate student from West Virginia studying in the MS Television program. The first concert she attended was Bruce Springsteen when she was 8, so she has a really strong fist pump.

A woman has recently come under fire for committing a crime punishable by public shame – sleeping with a man who has his political affiliation listed as “Moderate” on Bumble.

While many will assume this means “socially liberal and fiscally conservative,” being listed as “Moderate” is actually a ploy to distract from the fact that they’re either extremely indecisive or secretly a Republican.

Maisy Bell (COM ‘22) ignored the signs and didn’t realize until it was too late. Like many of us, she received a “U up?” text after midnight from a guy she met on Bumble. She went over and everything seemed fine until the lights came on and she saw the most disturbing sight – an American flag being used as wall decor.

At this point, Bell knew what she had done, but it was too late.

“It was a mistake!” said Bell, “I thought he was just from the Midwest or something. Yeah, he had a photo of him holding a fish, but I didn’t realize that he thought mullets were stylish!”

Bell warns all women that if he can’t commit to a political ideology, then he probably won’t commit to you either.

Authorities say to avoid being entrapped by a moderate man, to message them “What do you mean by Moderate?” If they say it means that they voted for Joe Biden in primaries, then you might be in the clear, but it’s recommended to have follow-up questions ready to really gauge what he means by “Moderate.” If they answer with, “I didn’t agree with everything he said, but Trump was a good businessman,” then run.

If they don’t respond to the message at all, then they are definitely a Republican and list their dream girl as Candace Owens.

 

We reached out to Bumble for comment and they released the following statement:

 

“Maisy, girl, that’s on you. You swiped knowing what both “Moderate” and fish photo meant, but you decided to be willfully ignorant. You have no one to blame but yourself. Hope ya used protection! Bumble out!”

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