SOUTH CAMPUS—Thousands of students, all of whom have been drinking various quantities of alcohol, have figure skating abilities that are superior to those of current Sochi Olympians, according to sources.
Further research indicates that these students regularly refer to the collection of world-class athletes as “complete pussies.”
“These Russians can’t skate, period,” said Alexis Rodham (CAS ’15) while double-fisting two Rolling Rock tallboys. “Look at that chick [gold medal winner Julia Lipnitskaia, RUS], she didn’t even keep her knees locked in that quintuple camel spin.”
“I’d knock off like, ten points for that, but whatever,” continued Rodham, who hasn’t put on skating shoes since Arthur Sherwood’s birthday party at the IcePlex in 2005. “This is such a joke anyways, everyone sucks.”
Further criticism from the incredibly sloshed undergraduate class has spread to other Winter Olympic sports such as curling, mogul skiing, skeleton, “that weird shit where you ski and shoot guns at the same time,” and beach volleyball, despite repeated assurances that beach volleyball is not in the Winter Olympic program.
“Ha! Look at that loser!” laughed Jon Olivero (COM ’14), in reference to Russian figure skater Evgeni Plushenko’s career-ending back injury. “What, did you finally realize you were figure skating all of a sudden, douchebag?”
“Bet I could do it better on my driveway right now,” Olivero continued as he carefully maneuvered out of his beanbag chair. “Hold my beer, this’ll be a piece of cake.”
Surveys show that the student population’s confidence in skating ability rises exponentially with each beer chugged. Officials warn that this effect can double when watching with multiple people, and nearly triple while wearing America-themed clothing.
At press time, luge is still just glorified sledding, and your cousin could easily wipe the floor with the Dutch.