GEORGE SHERMAN UNION—The GSU this week announced it would no longer supply cups for the water dispenser and will charge students who want them.
According to GSU manager, Scrooge McDuck, nickle-ing and dime-ing students was a tactic he found would be a great way to make extra money. McDuck cited environmentalism as a reason to get rid of the cups and unnecessarily charge students extra money.
“Sure, their tuition is going up 3.7% , but I think its a good idea to squeeze as much out of those suckers as possible. Long-term, my goal is to make even more money and make all water-sources coin operated too. Oops, I mean ‘reduce water waste.’ ”
When confronted about the fact that the cups provided in the GSU were already biodegradable, McDuck cackled and responded, “Well, if I had a nickel for every time someone just wanted some water I-oh wait… I do!”
“We’re just trying to make sure everything is as inconvenient as possible, you see,” said Jodi Box, a member of BU’s Student Outreach Center, “We were thinking of just placing a bunch of inexplicable cinderblocks all throughout Commonwealth Avenue for students to trip on as they walk to class, but removing all of the plastic cups in the GSU seemed easier to pull off.”
At press time, Boston University officials were scheming to make biking illegal on Commonwealth Avenue, cancel summer all together, and steal candy from many children on the streets.