POPCORN STAND—Following a powerful letter on Boston University’s inadequate approach to issues of sexual assault that was published in the Daily Free Press this week, BU President Robert Brown announced a plan to fix the endemic problem by offering a 25 percent discount on movie tickets at the Fenway Cinemaplex.

“The time has come to address the university’s flawed methods of assisting survivor’s of sexual assault,” Brown said in a press conference. “As part of that effort we are pleased to announce that all students will now have cheaper access to some great films on the silver screen.”

“The discount only applies to the Fenway theater, no other Regal franchises,” Brown added. “But there is an IMAX theater there, so that is pretty cool.”

Boston University has received criticism on issues of sexual assault  since last May, when the Department of Education announced an investigation into the school’s policies on handling complaints of sexual harassment. President Brown said the new policy represents eight months of brainstorming by the school’s top administrators.

“Obviously these are very real issues that must be addressed in order to achieve safety for all our students,” Brown said. “We spent countless hours thinking of how to fix these issues, and the one that really stuck was this movie discount.”

“Besides the movie discount, we are also going to be extending the hours of operation at the FitRec lazy river,” Brown added. “So look forward to that.”

Following his comments at the podium, President Brown stepped away from the podium and entered a nearby bathroom, unaware that his body microphone was still on.

After the sound of urinating blasted over the speakers, Brown could be heard mumbling to himself “Yes, Browny, give them the movie discount now and let the issue die over the Summer, mwahahahaa.”

At press time, the Boston University Feminist Collective and other campus groups were actively organizing to make the administration accountable and to sustain the important conversation around sexual assault at BU .

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