Hi, Kyle. It’s over. I’m breaking up with you. For good this time.
To all of our other readers, I’m sorry for dragging you into this. You all are wonderful, unlike Kyle, who is a heartless freak. I just really need to get this done, and then we can return to our regularly scheduled programming. Oh and readers, one piece of advice: never date Kyle.
Kyle, you might be asking yourself, why is she breaking up with me in an article in a feminist college satire paper? We both know that I’m bad at confrontation, and I would definitely default to cliches, like “it’s not you it’s me.” The problem is, it is you. Completely. This is 100% your fault. So, I figured it would be easiest to write to you via The Pinky Toe, which I know that you read sometimes, so that you can’t respond.
You might also be asking yourself, Kyle (if that even is your real name), why is she breaking up with me? Normally, that would be a valid question, but I honestly think you know what you did. Sure, you were kind, caring, and supportive. And, yes, you always cooked me dinner, cleaned my apartment, and came to my improv shows. I really did appreciate the time you bought me a house and that other time you saved me from the fire when I accidentally burned the house down. But none of this absolves you from what you did, so don’t even try to argue that it does.
If you’ve read this far and you still don’t know what you did (or why it was so horrible), I must say, I’m surprised. You may be a Rhodes Scholar, but clearly, you’re lacking some emotional intelligence. I guess I’ll just come right out and say what you did, but don’t get mad at me when the world cancels you for this unacceptable behavior. Kyle, I’m breaking up with you because you ate potato salad in my dream last night, while you know full well that potato salad is my least favorite food on the planet. This is a level of betrayal unmatched by Judas and Benedict Arnold. I can’t believe you would do that in MY dream universe!
Don’t call Kyle. Don’t text. Don’t watch my Instagram stories. Don’t tag me in any memes. It’s over. The moment you chose potato salad in my dream last night, it was over.
Thanks for bearing with me, lovely readers! Stay tuned for our next article, “5 Keys To A Well Balanced Relationship”!