If you’re like me, you’ve been riding like crazy (riding the T, that is). Ubers are too expensive, walking sucks, and BU has actively denied my request to add zip lines to the top of the Jenga building. The MBTA might spark disgust, trauma, fear, and rage…but underneath all that, doesn’t it also make you feel a primal need to bing-bonk-shoobey-dee-boink? Oh yeah, grab an ice cube cause here’s how fuckable each T line is.

5. The orange line

      If you think this is controversial, my friend Phil (renowned drama doctor) wants to chat. The orange line is absolutely not boinkable. I can feel the burn of the newly mutated STD just by looking at it. My man growls in everyday life—imagine the freaky shit he’d initiate in bed. Then he’d get mad at YOU for saying it’s not normal. No orange, the spatula stays in the kitchen. 

4. The silver line


      I have never seen this man in my life. If he’s so forgettable in passing, imagine what he’s like in the sack. This isn’t even a real T line and I hate him. Zero stars.

3. The blue line

       Good luck finding a guy like this one. He’d set some great expectations for fun time. Probably take you to the aquarium first, or offer to drive you to the airport. God. I wanna like him so SO much. But there’s just no animalistic attraction. Let’s face it: blue is boring. But if we don’t love him, at least our parents do. 

2. The red line

     Lesson learned: I love red flags. This guy definitely has some issues, breaks down A LOT. But boy is it worth it. He lasts a looooonnnnnggg time. Very fuckable. But to save your mental health, you better dissociate the entire session. This is the Nate Jacobs of T lines, but everyone seems to be into that dude, so… 

1. The green line

    Hubba hubba manwhore! Sure, he never has time for you—he’s always leaving quickly and busy with others. But damn. The green line gets around, yet everyone loves him. Gets you where you wanna be and leaves you satisfied. Mhmm, my number one.

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