Sunday brunch with the gang—a time to regroup and disclose the juicy details from the night before. This past Sunday, Regina Miller, Simon Hornsby, and Kelly Pines met at the Brookline Tatte to spill the tea about their respective weekend hookups.
The morning gossip did not disappoint. Regina bragged about the threesome she had with the Paradise Rock Club custodial staff after accidentally purchasing tickets for the Twenty One Pilots concert, while Simon gushed about how he boinked a guy that looked like Kumail Nanjiani in that disorienting Men’s Health photoshoot.
And Kelly… tried to keep up…
When posed with the question “What did you do last night?” Kelly froze. What was she supposed to say? Her Tinder date had bailed on her to go fishing with the boys, and her backup date was unattractive. Like a loser, she spent her Saturday evening eating Smartfood popcorn and hate-watching the critically unacclaimed James Corden vehicle, Lesbian Vampire Killers. While she enjoyed her evening, she knew that her friends were expecting titillating particulars.
Without thinking, Kelly contributed to the conversation. “I gave a guy blue bikes,” Kelly blurted out with faux conviction. The table went silent. Blue Bikes? Like, the mode of transportation? Surely Kelly was mistaken.
“I think you mean blue balls,” suggested Simon.
Kelly grew embarrassed. How would she recover from such a slip up? Rather than simply correcting herself, Kelly opted to double down.
“Yeah, I gave a guy blue bikes, alright! And he enjoyed every minute of it! I bet you guys wish you were me, huh?” Kelly crossed her arms assuredly, sort of like Chester Cheetah.
So that this joke lands.
Simon and Regina were confused. What was Kelly’s deal?
In a last-ditch effort to dig her friend out of the embarrassing situation at hand, Regina responded to Kelly’s comment. “Biking around the city is beautiful. I’m sure you had a lot of fun,” she offered.
Enraged, Kelly retorted “You two don’t get it! I was going to have sex with a guy and then I decided not to so his bikes got all blue and stuck.”
Just as she finished her sentence, Kelly passed out. In the midst of mortification, Kelly had forgotten to breathe. After being taken to the hospital, Kelly tried to explain blue bikes to the doctor who was treating her. Oddly enough, the doctor had diagnosed a patient with blue bikes just 20 minutes before Kelly had arrived at the hospital.