GEORGE SHERMAN UNION—Sources report that while eating lunch with his friends this afternoon, BU student Michael Long (CAS ’14) was seen digging his head into his hands. “I’m so stressed out this semester, there’s too much work. I can’t wait for Thanksgiving break!” he proclaimed. Long’s inner monologue has confirmed that this assertion is actually a lie, however, because he actually loves school and wishes that there were classes on Thanksgiving.

“Why can’t we go to school on Thanksgiving? I love it here. I want to learn every day!” Long thought, gleefully picturing himself in a full classroom on the day of Thanksgiving. “If I could, I would hand over my ticket home and lock myself in my dorm, reading all of this semester’s material all over again.”

“School totally sucks.” he added aloud, so as to not appear uncool to his friends Jamie West (CGS ’14), Quinton Cummings (CAS/COM ’14), and Rob Fulham (SAR ’15).

“Oh, Rob,” Long continued to think, “Why can’t you enjoy the passion of learning like I have? I hope one day you will lose yourself in a book, as I do every night!“

Long proceeded thinking, “Each weekend makes me sad because I want to go to school on weekends too!”

“They should just give us the whole week off. This is bullshit!” he stated, although each word of his lie tore off a little part of his soul.

“Please, oh please,” Long thought, “Maybe over winter break the library can remain open and I can study the Romans or the life of Mohammed or even chemistry! Dear, sweet chemistry!”

Long spends his free time doing homework for classes he isn’t even, and has filled out over five-hundred plans for class schedules on the student link.

Long then audibly sighed, as he thought, “This Thanksgiving, although my body will be with my family, my heart will be in CAS Room 203!“

Long is currently under academic probation with a 1.7 GPA.

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