Photoshopped by Lauren Kelmar (COM '21).
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Emily recently moved to Boston from Wisconsin to earn her M.S. in Television Writing and Producing here at BU. Her main focus is comedy, but she's also very dedicated to marrying rich one day. Please reach out if you know anything about raising hamsters; her fur-son Winston will not let her cuddle him, and it's really damaging her self-esteem.

The rumors started back in 2017, when fans started pointing out possible signs of Dan Schneider’s foot fetish online. As lists began to compile of odd references to feet in his shows and the amount of screen time that feet got, I could feel my childhood crashing down around me. Luckily, my childhood self sucked. That little goblin was judgmental and slut-shaming, but adult-me experienced a feminist awakening that passed even beyond watching Jade and Tori perform “Take a Hint” on Victorious.

So, while people were becoming outraged, scouring Schneider’s Tweets for requests for fans to post and tag him in pictures of their feet), I was furiously looking up his net worth. Some women earn a living off of selling feet pics, but the empowerment they feel is worth more than the money (not literally; please do not pay your taxes with empowerment), which is why it is a profession that deserves to be respected – especially if I’m in it. 

So, why was he asking fans for free feet pics when he was worth $20 million? And why was I not on Twitter yet and missed out on this opportunity?

Let’s just break this down. Yes, I am about to do math, and yes, it is just more proof that I deserve respect and am better than most other women. The average cost of one foot pic is between $20-100, and the average 50-year-old male’s net worth is between $100-120k. Schenider, at 54 years old, has a $20 million net worth, and now that he is no longer with Nickelodeon, how is he satisfying his foot fetish?

In conclusion, I am determined, sheerly by being the best, smartest feminist out there and enticing him with my forced self-respect and blind confidence, to make at least $16,000 off of a single foot pic. Dan, if you’re reading this, I just got a pedicure and have so much student debt. DM me. 

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