As a 21st century feminist, I try not to let my physical characteristics define me. But unfortunately, I still have one unnecessary feature that prevails: frizzy babyhairs. 

With even a drop of water or hint of humidity, those babies spring up to form a questionable halo that frames my asymmetric face. Some might say these give me a glowing halo like an angel, but realists agree that I just look like Shrek. Even Kim Kardashian is not spared from these monstrosities, but unlike us plebeians, she has the money to laser them off. Her privileged actions inspired me to take charge and embark on a journey to defeat my own toxic baby hairs. 

At first, I considered the obvious option: wigs. Excited to finally be able to change my identity, I capitalized on this opportunity and bought the wig Ashley-O wore in Black Mirror for a mere $1,200. I tucked my babyhairs underneath the wig cap and successfully displayed my babyhair-free egg shaped head. However, my tormentors were annoyingly resilient and kept breaking through, so I had to ditch the wig. It’s just as well, my sickly jaundice skin clashed terribly with the lavender shade. 

My next idea was to pop on down to Hobby Lobby and pick up a tube of Gorilla Glue. I could just glue the flyaways back into my hair and voila! I’d have a solution as long-lasting as Freaks and Geeks! However, after thinking about that plan for longer than two seconds, I decided it might not be the best idea. Who supports Hobby Lobby right now?

Right as I was about to give up, I knew I had the solution. I carefully took my trusty candle lighter from the Dollar Tree and fried all the babyhairs off! This approach stops any chance that those suckers would even try to come in at an awkward length. As an added plus, I smell like a summer campfire!

Check back next week as I describe how I draw attention away from my third degree facial burns!

Leave a Reply