I don’t want anyone humbling themselves: we all stalk people on Spotify. It’s the latest form of social media: looking over to the right side of your Spotify tab, seeing what all your friends are listening to- even your ex-boyfriend who you added on Spotify on the first date. It was sly of you. You knew what you were doing. You knew you were gathering classified information on the most vulnerable side of him- his music. And now, 2 years and 4 days later, you are still his friend, watching (and writing down) every song he listens to in your journal. Oh wait, that’s me. Right now. Anyways, here is what Patrick- my ex- has been listening to in the past 29 minutes.

1. Everything is AWESOME!!! (feat. The Lonely Island) – The Lego Movie (Original Motion Picture Soundtrack)

Everything is NOT awesome, Patrick. You broke my heart 2 years ago and you have the audacity to act like everything’s fine? You’re in denial.

2. Macarena – Los Del Rio – Fiesta Macarena

How many times do I have to tell you, Patrick? The Macarena is NOT a 

good song to have sex to. 

Wait, are you having sex with another girl?

3. traitor – Olivia Rodrigo – SOUR

Nothing like being self-aware. Thanks for cheating on me, Patrick. You may want to turn on a Private Session before you play a song like this.

4. Twinkle Twinkle Little Star – Super Simple Songs – Twinkle Twinkle Little Star & More Kids Songs

This was OUR song, Patrick. You better not be playing it with another girl. I bet you’re babysitting your little cousin, thinking about how that could have been OUR kid. How OUR kid could have enjoyed that song just like we did. You’re dead to me, Patrick.

5. Beverly Hills – Weezer – Make Believe

Yeah good luck getting there, Patrick. You’re a failure at just about everything. 

You almost suck as much as Weezer does.

6. The Adults are Talking – The Strokes – The New Abnormal

Male manipulator alert! I’m not suprised.

7. Lofi Hip Hop Music – Beats To Relax/Study To

Do you have a thing for the Lofi girl, Patrick? She has priorities that aren’t 

you. I know, that must be hard to understand. You didn’t even like it when I wore green shirts, anyway.

8. Accidentally In Love – Counting Crows – Shrek (Original Motion Picture Soundtrack)

… with who?

9. Creep – Radiohead – Creep

Yeah, you’ve got that right. You sure as hell don’t belong in my life.  

*sniffles

10.   All Too Well (10 Minute Version) (Taylor’s Version) – Taylor Swift – Red (Taylor’s Version)

This one could really call for all sorts of speculation- I mean, if you have a 

new girlfriend, is she making you listen to this? Did your decision to break up with me cause you to finally feel the slightest bit of regret? Or does it bring you comfort to know that you’re not the only one who has ever dropped a girl’s hand before?

Whatever it is, you don’t deserve to enjoy quality music. Go listen to the Backyardigans or something.

Patrick, I know this might break your heart, but your music taste sucks. I have concluded that I need to unfollow you based on your poor choices in discography.

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Update: She not only followed him back on Spotify a whopping 12 hours later, but texted him, was rejected, and checked into a grippy-sock vacation shortly after.

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