The Hynes Convention Center has been the go-to destination for major Boston events held by groups like Boston Anime and the non-Japanese cartoon-related Harvard Model United Nations. To many, this venue is a simple yet glorious structure that provides space for the members of the modern day renaissance, but for others, there is still a troubling question linked with this grand hall of conventions: where is the ketchup?

It has been said in the history books that the Hynes Convention Center was named after former Boston Mayor John Hynes. However, anyone with a simple understanding of words will undoubtedly see evidence that connects the Hynes Convention Center to none other than Heinz Tomato Ketchup. Is it possible that the these two things are more than just homonyms? The answer is yes. Burt Walton, a founding member of Citizens Against Condiment Conspiracies (CACC) claims that not only is Heinz directly connected to Hynes, but that Hynes is totally Heinz.

“We have several post-its worth of evidence that shows Hynes Convention Center is not a convention center at all, but actually a giant bottle of Heinz Ketchup,” said Walton in an interview conducted in his RV. “What people don’t get is that Heinz uses Hynes to store Heinz. Have you ever met someone in Harvard’s Model UN? Or someone who has attended an anime convention? Of course not. They don’t exist. No one has ever been in Hynes because it’s actually just filled with Heinz.”

Skeptics argue that Walton’s organization—which includes Walton himself and his parrot, Waldo—are clearly wrong because the Hynes convention center is in fact a building, with doors, that doesn’t contain a ketchup filling. But Walton stands by his beliefs.

”Those who criticize me, and don’t believe me, are the same people who would have you believe that the Prudential center is not actually one giant Snickers bar,” Walton yelled as reporters pulled away from his residence. “They are liars!”

At press time, the investigations behind Walton’s allegations were all retracted, and Walton was left scrambling to ensure that no one tried to squeeze the Hynes Convention Center too hard, as it could have devastating effects on the city of Boston.

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