Sunday morning, Rachel Lane, a self-proclaimed “Ethereal Virgin Vegan,” confessed to her purchased Twitter followers that she had discovered a pile of cheese in her basement. The thread, which was 60 Tweets long, caught the attention of the public for its sheer absurdity. In summary, Lane explained ad nauseum that she had no recollection of purchasing dairy items such as the 50-pound wheel of gouda on her couch.
“I can’t believe I managed to buy so much damn cheese,” wrote Lane in her thread. “Like, I must have enlisted help.”
But according to security footage found at Lane’s local 24-hour grocery store, she did not enlist any help at all. In fact, the cheese heist was undoubtably a one-woman job. In the footage, Lane holds out her shirt to mimic a grocery basket. From there, she proceeds to fill the shirt-basket with 3 pounds of cheese. On her way out of the aisle, Lane can be seen sticking her credit card chip into the ass of an innocent employee. The recording then shows her scooting out of the grocery store on her ass only to get temporarily caught between the automatic doors. And if that wasn’t shocking enough, the most disturbing part of the surveillance film—the portion that medical officials are particularly concerned about—is that Lane managed to perform this task with her eyes completely closed.
“I believe Ms. Lane has a rare condition called Nocturnal Dairy Acquisition Syndrome,” explained TV Personality and human Madame Tussauds sculpture, Dr. Oz. “It is incredibly rare, and the cause of the condition is currently unknown. The poor thing has probably been sleep-buying parmesan for years.”
Friends of Lane can attest that her nighttime dairy excursions have been going on for a while, but no one wanted to speak up.
“I thought she wouldn’t believe me if I told her that she purchases cheese in her sleep,” said Mamrie Daines, Lane’s best friend and mailwoman. “Like, if I tried to explain sleep commerce to you, would you listen? Fuck no you wouldn’t. Plus, she has a ‘defund milk’ tattoo. The chances of convincing her were slim. I’m also her fucking mail lady for God’s sake, so I shouldn’t even be involved in this mess!”
Since discovering the pile of cheese, Lane has admitted herself to a special rehab program designed to reduce the severity of Nocturnal Dairy Acquisition Syndrome. The program trains patients to purchase foods with less saturated fat.
“Rachel bought a tomato in her sleep last night,” noted David Peters, the doctor overseeing Lane’s treatment. “That was a massive breakthrough for not only her, but our entire staff.”
We wish Rachel Lane luck as she moves forward on her healing journey. The transition from cheddar to cucumbers is tricky, but doable.
If you, or someone you know, is struggling with Nocturnal Dairy Acquisition Syndrome, there is hardly anything that you can do. Like, there is no hotline for you. Help is so limited. Maybe try explaining your whole situation on Twitter, but that might not work either.