Quarantine is tough. Nobody’s been to a party in eight months. There’s no way to meet new people or make new friends. What’s a girl to do? How are we supposed to deal? The answer is to fill the void by reading Jane Austen novels!
Fear not! There is a bright side for all you Austen lovers. Because of quarantine, the rules of our society have never more closely resembled those of the Regency Era. There has never been a better time to make use of the completely healthy coping mechanism of pretending to be an Austenian heroine! Here are a few tips to get you started.
1. the matchmaker
Do you often find yourself taking control of your best friend’s dating apps, clearing out the losers and trying to find her the perfect match?
If so, you are now Emma Woodhouse, matchmaker extraordinaire! You take great pride in arranging the courtships of your friends and companions, with your goal being to find them matches which are both mutually desired and socially advantageous!
2. the girl code
Have you recently tried to talk your best friend out of going on a date–not only because of social distance guidelines, but because the guy she’s meeting seems really sketch?
Now, you are Elizabeth Bennet, trying every possible method to rescue your little sister from the clutches of the lying, deceitful Mr. Wickham! Oh, the drama!
Imagine: you’re feeling down after getting ghosted by a handsome-but-stupid frat boy on Tinder? Maybe it’s time to finally listen to your roommate and swear off guys for life. Right?
You are Marianne Dashwood, heartbroken after your handsome and long-awaited suitor, Willoughby, abandons you. But now you see that Willoughby (read: the frat boy) has always been a cad and a coward, and never worthy of your time in the first place!
4. the audacity
Have you ever been hanging out with your crush and having a great time…that is, until they suddenly start to insult your roommates, your friends, and even your house?
You are now Elizabeth Bennet, and you’ve just listened to your unwanted suitor, Mr. Darcy, callously insult the “inferiority” of your relations. (You have a feeling that this relationship might work out in the end. But before that, sh*t is gonna go down.)
5. a respectable distance
Have you ever wanted to hang out with your crush, but due to quarantine rules you have to keep six feet apart?
Congratulations! You are now every character from every Jane Austen adaptation, ever! Those people really know how to stand at an awkward distance!
At press time, the entire Pinky Toe staff gathered and repeatedly watched that hand-flexing scene from Pride and Prejudice (2005). You know the one.