Congratulations! You’ve finally survived an agonizing talking phase and made it to the first date, but you’re hiding behind your secret Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS). There’s a million options on the menu, but none that won’t send you running to the bathroom in 30 minutes or so bloated you could pass for “Kate Plus 8” while she was pregnant.
You’ve considered claiming that you are protesting eating in solidarity with children in Burma, or even having the date in the bathroom so that he can witness this curse first hand. But the only option that isn’t a red flag is to just come clean upfront.
Unfortunately, this gastrointestinal disease is about as sexy to bring up as the ex from five years ago that you’re still hung up on. But fear not, any topic can be made suitable for a first date conversation, even your intestinal disorder!
First, start off like a high school paper and make a general statement to ease into the conversation, such as: “people have health issues.” Now that you’ve proven how intelligent and worldly you are, you’ve shrouded yourself in a sexy mysteriousness.
Then, ease into the topic of IBS by describing that your body, just like you, is a rebel that can’t be tamed. This is as specific as you should be, but if necessary you can add as a side note that you have a “sensitivity to most foods.” If he asks for which foods, a simple, “items with wheat, dairy, onion, and garlic” will suffice.
Wheat and dairy are common allergies so he will focus only on the second part of your explanation. Knowing that he’s guaranteed to be saved from any garlicky makeout sessions, he’ll probably view your inability to eat the two ingredients found in nearly all dishes as your sexiest trait.
Now all you have to do is bring up the attachment issues. Good luck!