Photoshopped by Maddy Schmidt (COM '21)
Lauren Kelmar (COM '21)

Lauren is a senior from Palo Alto, CA studying Film and Television. She watches Taylor Momsen do parkour in her spare time. She is better at Wii bowling than Maddy Schmidt.

What better time than a pandemic to make your boyfriend a permanent member of your house and your heart. Follow these tips and we guarantee that your boy will be with you forever.

1. Construct a Dungeon

We know you have a lot of extra time on your hands, so spend it constructing a maximum security dungeon for your prisoner, I mean boyfriend. Tell him you’re knitting gloves and disappear for a few hours everyday to build a dungeon. This can be a spare room, basement, or a guest house if you are rich. Put a single chair in the center of the room and lure him in with videogames and posters of anime women. He may want to call it his man-cave, but you’ll know what it really is.

2. Cut Him Off From News Sources So He Thinks The Pandemic Is Still Going On

This is obvious, but after the pandemic has ended, make sure he has no idea he’s allowed to go outside. When he asks for updates on the state of the world or a newspaper, simply distract him with the TikTok trend where you drop your clothes.

3. Trick Him With “Sexy” (Permanent) Bondage

Around week ten of quarantine, reveal to him that you are super into sexy bondage. Seduce him with lingerie and lure him to your lair. Turn on some music so no one can hear him scream, and start tying him up. Leave him tied up to go “get some more rope upstairs” and don’t return for a day.

4. Safe Release

When you feel he has been sufficiently brainwashed, you can release him from your dungeon into your main house, but only for a few hours a day at first. Continue to cut him off from news sources and the internet to ensure he stays inside. Tell him that it’s still incredibly unsafe to go outside and leave your house at all, and that a coronavirus lightning rod will strike down and obliterate him if he does! If he accuses you of lying to him, make him feel so guilty he proposes to you as a way of thanking you for keeping him safe.

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