Jacob Nesson

Jacob is a Sophomore from Easton, Massachusetts. He is on the borderline of having CTE, which is pretty apparent in his writing and life.

We all know that kid. Usually they can be found in groups chatting away about how to next impress their 1,362 followers, or how unfair the TikTok algorithm is. For some reason, you became friends with them freshman year before TikTok took off. Now, you are left regretting every life decision you’ve made as they blab on about how it’s even better than Vine (IT’S NOT…why can’t they just admit it??). It’s simply not fair. So, we took the liberty of creating an extensive guide with strategies for how to get them to shut up, or at the very least to switch the conversation to something slightly less obnoxious.

  1. Ask: Asking your “friend” about another topic can be such a useful tool! It will force them to critically evaluate the question and respond with a thoughtful answer, sparking a lovely conversation you may not have otherwise had. It will allow you to find common ground and develop a beautiful relationship down the road! Just kidding. We know that’s bullshit. This was a test to see if you were actually reading…you’ve passed. Now, you’ve earned the right to some real advice. NEVER ASK, instead:
  2. Knock: Knock them out with a nearby object. Surely, you will have something in your room capable of doing so. Trial and error has found that a 15 inch torque wrench works best (93% effectiveness), so if you have one of those…perfect. If not, don’t fret! It’s more so about the velocity of the hit and where it is placed on the body that is what truly matters. A DVD guide can be found on The Bunion’s website for only $39.99! Finally, you will have some well deserved quiet time.
  3. Remind: Remind them of the ever-present doom haunting over us that is indeed climate change. Unless your buddy is one of the 3 non-believers at BU, updating them on how much time we have left on this Earth SHOULD halt their rant about the D’Amelio tea. It may be replaced with some sobbing, but I think we can all agree that they deserve to cry. P.S: If you can sneak into the conversation that Heaven is most likely non-existent, you will be more likely to be effective.
  4. Group up: A group is always more effective at bullying! Find some other people on the street with similar interests, it shouldn’t be too hard. Then, taunt your “friend” for approximately an hour and fifteen minutes, which is when they will inevitably break down. Now, you’ve made yourself some new, actually cool friends. Go grab a coffee and enjoy yourself! 
  5. Petition: Everyone is doing these things now. It’s time that you get yourself associated with Change.org and create what is sure to be the most successful petition of 2021. Once you find an unflattering picture of your “friend” to use as the cover photo and write up all your grievances and demands, post it all around social media and send it to everyone you know. After about a week or so, the entire school will know and they will be forced to transfer out of shame. It’ll probably be to BC, where they will be accepted. It’s a longer, more delicate process than some others on this list, but we promise it’s worth the wait.

Now that your “friend” is out of the picture, it’s time to relax. Catch up on a show you’ve been dying to see, go explore Boston, or even scroll through TikTok. Maybe you’ll see your old acquaintance, who is now thriving with their new friends at BC, trying to create their own version of the hype house. If so, comment something mean, like “you’re not attractive enough to make it on this app.” Show them you’re still in charge, and always remember your AKRGP’s in future situations. You’re welcome.

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