COLLEGE OF GENERAL STUDIES—Can’t stop staring at that athlete in your CGS lecture? All hot and bothered by his red backpack and sweatpants tucked into his socks? Worried he won’t be able to comprehend anything you’re saying to him? Follow these steps and your very clear advances will be comprehensible to even the bro-iest of CGS dudes. FitRec dates, here you come!
1. Read with him!
After a long day of practice, he’s probably going to have some trouble reading his Biology for Dummies textbook. You could try popcorn reading back and forth: it’s easier for him to read out loud. Why – why is he making that face? Did he forget his glasses or something? His face is so close to the book…Oh, oh my god he can’t read. Ok, uhm, just read to him! This is going to be okay. Focus on how sexy he looks while he mouth-breathes.
2. Show him a mirror!
Not only will he be so infatuated with his perfectly chiseled body but he will also talk to the guy he sees in it for hours! You can hang out with him and keep the conversation minimal. Double whammy. Just make sure he doesn’t fall in love with himself…we all know how that one goes.
3. Bring him your JUUL!
Bring him your juul. Make it do that flashy thing when you shake it. Not only will he be entertained by this shiny object, it’ll keep him focused on you, at least for as long as you dangle it! Oh, oh no he’s drooling. Maybe we should go back to reading? He seemed to like that. Go slow so that he can keep up with the story line. What is he doing? He’s…doing push ups? In the library? I don’t know how to make him stop. This is useless. Dammit he looks so good.
4. Use big hand gestures!
He’ll love this one. Start with some patty cake to really get him going. Maybe do some peek-a-boo. . Oh, oh no he’s scared. Ok don’t do that one. Try to calm him down. Hold him and sway back and forth. You could give him a fistbump and hope he likes it? I honestly don’t know how you’re going to do this. I really tried. Maybe go the opposite route and just completely ignore him and hope for the best.
**DISCLAIMER: Any and all embarrassment as a result of these steps is not The Bunion’s fault and should be addressed by either transferring schools or moving to Bay State.