Now that it’s time to put the Canada Goose jackets and Kanken backpacks in storage, some students may be anxiously anticipating the question guaranteed to ruin any day, “What are you doing this summer?”
I know what you’re thinking. It’s unfair to put people in a position where they must admit they didn’t get a flashy internship at Quibi or they aren’t going on a Dua Lipa-inspired Carribean island-hop during year fifty seven of the pandemic. For many working class students, summer means putting on a polyester uniform and giving a customer service performance rivaling Jared Leto in House of Gucci. So, your fancy summer plans aren’t something to brag about, right?
Wrong. Enough pity for the poor. What about us elites in the 1%? When do we get to share our struggles?
Conversations about summer plans are much more stressful for the civilized. We have to walk on a minefield of wokeness as we simply explain how we exist. Nowadays, you can’t even say you’re going to your parents’ summer cottage on the Cape without getting a side eye, or worse, a subTweet. It isn’t our fault we were born into a Bitcoin trust fund. Our parents worked hard to gentrify half of upper Manhattan, why wouldn’t they share the wealth with their only child that matters?
Well luckily, those of us with class and that hot pink Balenciaga sweater at The Pinky Toe have some advice for our fiscally unchallenged friends. Here are our top tips for discussing summer plans without revealing that you pay full tuition at this university:
- Mispronounce the names of exclusive locales. If you’re heading to St. Tropez for the fortieth time, make sure to pronounce that Z as hard as your mouth will allow you to, that way you sound like a plebian who has never even heard of that paradise! No one is gonna believe you’ve been spending every Fourth of July on a white sandy beach if you call Fiji something like Fajitas. With a hard J.
- Be as vague as possible. If you’re interning at Goldman and Sachs again, just tell people you’re getting coffee for creative minds at a small company – to seal the deal, imply it’s a charity if you can. You know the poor love to complain for some reason, so make that comfy desk job sound as grueling as a triple split shift at McDonald’s. If people ask what sector it’s in, just say the business industry. If people ask which company, we recommend fainting on the spot as a diversion.
- Pay attention to how many activities you bring up. Believe it or not, money adds up for some people! When you say you’re going to concerts like Phoebe Bridgers, GovBall, Rex Orange County, and Tyler the Creator, some people might begin to do math in their heads. We know it seems absurd, since those of us with means have never added up expenses once in our lives, but some people actually….budget. Make sure you only mention one or two events you’re going to, that way someone thinks you’re a man of the people who has to prioritize which shows they see – if you can fathom such a concept!
- Never explain your method of transportation. We all know you’ve been a Delta Diamond Medallion member since you were teething, but shockingly enough, that doesn’t always come across as endearing. If you’re traveling this summer, make sure you don’t reveal that you’re in your Jack Harlow era and flying first class for every occasion. Use poor-coded phrases like “driving cross-country,” or “Flixbus.” If you’re crossing a body of water, suggest that you’re stowing away on a cargo boat or swimming across the Gulf of Mexico by yourself, you know, something the less fortunate can relate to!
Whatever way you downplay your general wealth, we hope it’s a slay!