by Avery Beaumont

It happened again: you underestimated how strong that hit was. Never trust one of Paige’s friends from Skidmore. What else is there to do in Saratoga? Now you’re hiding in the corner of a party, thinking about how underrated Kesha’s Blah Blah Blah is as your very sober friend strikes up a conversation with you. “How do this?” you ask yourself.

Well, they are your friend, after all, and what are friends for if not to withhold judgment about your most questionable choices? So what if they have a job with health insurance! That doesn’t mean they’ve never seen vibrational frequencies at 8:30 pm on a Wednesday. They’ll have to understand.

(Besides, even if they call the cops, how fast can they really get here?)

Here’s our foolproof plan to explain yourself to your new designated driver:

1. Mess up a simple question in the way a sober person would.

If they ask, “How are you?” say something like “Nothing much.”

2. Laugh as loud as humanly possible at your mistake. Maybe inhumanly possible.

Really chew on this one, like you’re up for something big, like a Tony or a Teen Choice Award.

3. As you’re wiping tears from your eyes, put your hand on their shoulder.

Just like you’re about to say, “listen, sport.”

4. Say, “I’m sorry, bro.”

Even though you’re talking to a 24-year-old whose top artist on Spotify is Mitski.

5. Finish with the classic, “I’m so high.”

Drag out the “so” depending on how high you feel. Some “so”s have lasted less than a second, and some say others are still going on to this day.

To achieve the full effect of this stratagem, it helps to adopt a similar cadence to Keanu Reeves. Perhaps hire his vocal coach from Point Break, or seek out the man himself. It’s not like he has much else to do lately.

Your friend is bound to understand your predicament once you use our five-step program. It’ll have them saying, “Yeah, I figured from the moment they muttered ‘How do this?’ out loud,” in no time!

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