Photoshopped by Michael Yue (CAS '23)
Emma Simonoff (COM '21)

Emma Simonoff is a Sophomore studying Film and TV.

Got a busy schedule? Don’t care to waste your time looking at feeble words? Illiterate? You’ve come to the right place! Stick around for some handy tips to continue being the smartest and most genius person in class without ever reading again!

1. Memorize one quote from the reading and cite it as much as you can

Ok fine, this one requires reading. But only a little! Find any line that has a lot of big words so no one’s actually sure what it means. That way, you can confidently recite the quote every single time you speak and everyone will be like “wow, that dude’s smart as hell.”

2. Use multiple personal anecdotes that actually have nothing to do with the discussion, but make you seem smart and professionally experienced

Options include studying abroad, internships, your parents jobs, and completely made up stories. If you tell the class that you know a lot about this topic because your dad’s “in the industry,” you’ll have those nerds in the palm of your gigantic hand.

3. Make sure to point out that you’ve talked about this exact thing in, like, all of your other classes

You’ve read every book this author has ever written. You wrote an award-winning essay about this topic. You wouldn’t exactly call yourself an expert but…wait, actually you guess you would. Casual! Also, when the professor isn’t listening, stage whisper to the girl next to you that this class is a freaking cake walk, sweetheart.

4. Dress business casual so people assume you know what you’re talking about

Button-up shirt, nice pants, shiny shoes. Don’t even know the last name of the author of the reading? Pop on a bow-tie and a cool hat! If you dress well enough, people will be so distracted by how expensive your suit is that they won’t even hear the flaming nonsense gushing from your mouth.

5. Insist on “defending your point” every time someone disagrees with you

Begin by saying you respectfully disagree, then absolutely eviscerate your opponent by attacking who they are as a person. Everyone in this class is a peasant try hard that doesn’t even deserve to be in this school, let alone a class with you. Destroy them all.

6. Eat a hearty breakfast

 Eggs are best!

7. Be a white man

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