Photoshopped by David Simon (COM '21)
Maddy Schmidt (COM '21)

Maddy Schmidt is a senior from New Jersey studying Film & TV. She is a Wii bowling prodigy and is blocked on twitter by Drake Bell (Campana).

Across America, teens and college kids have been obsessed with running around a spaceship completing mundane tasks, brutally murdering each other and hurling accusations. But what do you do when you’re so absorbed in “Among Us” that you’re neglecting your real-life tasks? Here’s how to do your real-life responsibilities by pretending that everything you do is part of the game. Believe it or not, this technique is exactly how AOC finished writing the Green New Deal!

1. Empty Garbage

Trash has been piling up in the med bay (your disgusting kitchen) for weeks, and it’s time to take it out. Pull and hold the lever on your screen and that should take care of it in real life too, right?

2. Clean Air Filter (Replace the Brita)

The Brita filter is blinking red. That’s exactly like the game! Clear out the leaves, or rather, the gunk that’s been collecting in the filter since the beginning of the school year.

3. Water Plants

Ok, this one you can definitely do. Waddle over to them in your little orange spacesuit and just stand near them and maybe something will happen?

4. Write your essay (fix O2)

This is just like when the oxygen goes out. Just do that, but instead of a random series of numbers, type 2000 words on Nietszche’s theory of perspectivism. Easy!

5. Accuse your professor of murder

Your professor SAYS she’s been grading your papers, but the task bar hasn’t moved. That’s sus. Hold an emergency meeting with your classmates and consider reporting her to the authorities.

Hope this was helpful! Be sure to check out our next article about sustaining a long-distance relationship by pretending it’s slither.io.

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