Breaking News: Sources claim Boston University’s President Brown is actually the anthropomorphic British(?) billionaire peanut, Bartholomew Richard Fitzgerald-Smythe, aka, Mr. Peanut, in disguise. 

The similarities are uncanny. When you tell your friend, “Hey, look at this old rich guy that looks like he would spit on you and accidentally give you a 300 year old disease if you speak out against capitalism,” they always ask “The one with the pornstache or the nut?”

Speculation around the scandal and subsequent cover up first appeared back in spring 2020 when Mr. Peanut ‘accidentally’ drove his nutmobile off a cliff. Coincidentally, this was at the same time President Brown faced on-campus protests for his decision to swap out Peanut Butter for almond butter in the dining halls, claiming it was “More humane- err, safe for those with peanut allergies.” Many saw a red flag with this statement since President Brown was caught on tape a month earlier calling those with peanut allergies “speciest scums.”

Reports soon came in that all the white New York girls that listen to True Crime podcasts at Fitrec were putting together a theory. The Daily Free Press had journalists put out posts in Facebook groups asking for students to comment on the rumor, but like usual, no one ever fucking responded.

Some students began to point out the similarities between the two wealthy, rich men(?), and one student even captured a video from outside President Brown’s mansion showing the Boston University President crying in a mirror and singing Elton John’s “Candles In The Wind” while wearing a tophat that looked just like Mr. Peanuts.

In response to this, Dean of Students Kenneth Elmore sent out an email to the student body trying to dismiss the rumors, but it was so confusing and poorly worded that many mistook it as him declaring nuclear warfare against CAS student government over free laundry.

As the investigation continues, some have begun to accept that we may never know the truth behind the rumors. Even BU Swifties couldn’t crack the case, as all they found was Jake Gyllenhall trying to hide in COM by blending in with the other film bros that don’t shower. Oh well, guess we may never know the truth, believe it or nut. (Please laugh at my nut pun, this is exhausting)

Update: Coincidentally, I just received a cease and desist letter from President Brown that smells like the grubby hands of a 5 year old iPad-kid who just had a PB&J, so who knows.

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