Photoshopped by Shannon Damiano (COM '22)
Daniel Kool

Daniel Kool is a Freshman from Minnesota studying Journalism. He plays the banjo but hopes you won’t judge him for it.

HILLEL – Students looking for a kosher lunch on Monday were greeted by a rotation of four Hanukkah-themed songs, in an apparent attempt to launch the holiday season in a more fittingly Jewish way.

Hillel officials say that the move – which required the installation of a brand new sound-system in the dining room – intends to combat the Christmas season’s ever-earlier start on campus.

“It’s time we stood our ground against this musical crusade,” said Hillel’s Head of Outreach, Chaim Hillel, when asked about the new playlist.

Hillel rejected the idea that it was too early for Hanukkah music, explaining that “already, all across campus – from the GSU to that one lonely corner of Marciano Commons where they play music – the Christmas tunes are already in full swing. We’re just trying to even the score.”

The playlist – consisting only of “I Have a Little Dreidel,” “Hanukkah, Oh Hanukkah,” “Light One Candle,” and “Lots of Latkes” – features the entire library of contemporary music for the Jewish holiday.

Overall, those students who have not completely abandoned the dining hall reported being happy with the new soundtrack – and the sudden lack of lines for food.

“It’s a nice change of pace,” said Sarah Cratz (CAS ’22). “I don’t have to give into Christmas’ chokehold on the radio waves to forget all about Thanksgiving anymore.”

“Sure it gets a little repetitive,” said server Jeffrey Novak, who hears the holiday program all throughout his four hour shifts.“But so do Mariah Carey and Michael Bublé. At least with this I always know exactly what song’s coming next.”

“It’s pretty easy to mentally prepare myself for another round of ‘dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,’” Novak added as a tear formed in his eye.

At press time, The Bunion learned that three students have suffered breakdowns after their fifth consecutive listen to “Lots of Latkes”. SHS predicts more to follow.

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