Photoshopped by Jacob Cohen (COM '22)
CJ Zachara (COM '21)

CJ is a junior in COM studying Film and Television. He is from Maplewood, New Jersey.

A recent study by leading mental health researchers concluded that a high five from Dean Elmore is in fact more effective than any counseling offered through SHS, which is notoriously subpar.

It’s been speculated that Dean Elmore high fives are superhumanly powerful. He has rid 12 students of Mono, reversed 362 cases of depression, and rectified the sins of the forsaken and the damned.

“Yes, it is groundbreaking,” said researcher Albert McManiac. “But you have to remember this is not an ordinary high five. This is Dean Elmore.”

McManiac emphasized that a high five from an ordinary human could not possibly be so powerful. “The last person with powers this strong was… Christ. Jesus Christ.”

The study also found that 100% of students who visit SHS leave unsatisfied. Meanwhile, the great and almighty Dean Elmore pleases every soul he comes in contact with, with either a high five or his extraordinary smile, which has the power to give sight to the blind.

The Bunion reached out for a comment from Dean Elmore, but he was busy parting the Charles River to allow the meek to find solace in Cambridge. We praise thee, Dean Elmore, for your acts of Godly kindness.

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