BURNED OUT HOUSE IN ALLSTON—After the announcement that Boston University’s Police Department will carry Naloxone, an antidote for heroin overdoses, members of Boston University’s Heroin Club hailed the force for taking the necessary steps to ensure their safety.

“I’m glad the police have the right tools for any situation,” said Jim Adams (CGS ‘11), a member of the BU Heroin Club. “The acquisition of Naloxone will be a great addition to BUPD’s arsenal of equipment and weaponry. Now, can you get out of here, man, you’re letting the bugs that crawl on my skin into the house.”

Other BUHC members also praised the move by the BUPD.

“It’s great to see that the BU Police Department is spending their money on items that will help the community rather than intimidate it,” said BUHC member Jane Schumaker (CAS ‘16), after waking up from a two day nap.

“I mean, with all the news of police militarization, I would much rather have the university police force carry Naloxone than huge machine guns or rifles,“ Schumaker added. “Oh, they do carry that stuff too? Shit.”

“We always have to be prepared,” said BUPD Police Chief Thomas Robbins. “Heroin overdose? We’re ready. If those heroin addicts riot and destroy our school? We’re ready. Therefore, we carry Naloxone and we carry riot gear, shotguns, handguns, armored vehicles, etc.”

“I mean, if Dzokhar Tsarnaev escapes from jail, shoots up some premium black tar heroin, organizes a riot and comes onto campus, specifically the West Campus area, we will be ready,” Robbins continued.

At press time, BU Heroin Club members kept asking if this reporter was a NARC.

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