Photoshopped by Jacob Cohen (COM '22)

It’s happened! The prophecy long spoke of a man worthy enough to manually open the girthy automatic door of the Towers of Warren, and finally a man has risen to the legendary challenge! University of Bostonia, welcome your new King, Ryan Walters (CAS ‘22)!

“No one quite saw how he did it. Someone said he wedged his umbrella in the handle. Excalibur,” said a staff witness. “For a thousand years, we have seen countless bodybuilders attempt this task which Ryan has so bravely, honorably, and sexily done! Arnold Schwarzenegger is certainly jealous!”

Ryan himself claims to have not worked out in years. He had but a slight frame as a lad, and did not change much in appearance even after arriving in Bostonia for his studies. This simply proves that his act was of divine providence, and he has earned his status as a God among mortals.

“I want to feel his muscles and really get inside his brain to see how he was able to open that door,” said an onlooker with a mustache and rolling briefcase who wishes to remain anonymous.

Barbara Weiner has laid out a red carpet and golden crown for Walter’s swearing in ceremony in front of Warren. The carpet contains a door at every step, which Walter is expected to open with ease.

“He’s so hot, I wish he were my son,” New England Patriots quarterback Thomas Brady III added.

At press time, Walter was seen ripping the costume off of the Rhett mascot, revealing a second Ryan Walters. He then began passionately making out with himself and shouting “I’m the king! I’m the king!”

BU Today declined to comment.

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