Photoshopped by Lauren Kelmar (COM '21).

In the beginning there was nothing. Cavemen were probably packing light, and the cavegals were most likely flat as hell. Obviously they made it work, but it was reproduction that inspired them. Neither party was enticed by the little things (One Direction™), but rather for the glory of creating evolved creatures with enhanced features. Right? Well, my boyfriend does not agree. 

This conversation started when I asked my boyfriend of one month how my butt looked in my new LBD (Light pink Bodycon Dick-catcher). He said, “amazing, as always.” I was taken aback. Usually, with this ass that don’t quit, I get an “outstanding” or “damn shawty”, so you can imagine my surprise when I got that excuse for a compliment. 

I said, “just amazing?” He then retracted his statement and instead called my ass “poppin”. I thanked him for his effort, but then I started to feel bad about calling him out. I explained that because my super bass (Nicki Minaj ™) is so bountiful, I have a tendency to be underwhelmed and even offended when ordinary words are used to describe it. 

I continued even as he started to roll his eyes. “I know that it must be hard to think of a word to describe this thang’s perfection. But, it’s also hard for me to show fools up on a daily basis with it. I can’t go anywhere without people comparing my big barn in the backyard to Kylie Jenner’s!” Oops… he didn’t like that one. 

He started lecturing me about how I “shouldn’t call other women fools constantly” and how “there are worse female struggles than having a big butt.” I agreed! I am god as a woman (Ariana Grande™)! I notified him of my charity when I taught the girls in my building how to twerk! For free!!!! He wasn’t buying it, and he concluded that I am “obsessed with physical beauty and out of touch with the feminine mind.” 

Oh, whatever. Feminine mind, sheminine mind. I know history and philosophy, babe, and I know that caveman Adam would never have lectured cavewoman Joan of Arc on the female agenda while they were eating apples and creating supermodels and stuff. 

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