by Max Pociask
In what some are calling a modern-day Romeo and Juliet story, Vanessa Bloome (CAS ‘25) has fallen deeply in love with ZZZZ (??? ‘22?)
One fateful Allston crawl, Vanessa hurled a cup of jungle juice at a beehive. Demonstrating great hand-eye coordination, and maybe even a hint of sobriety, she knocked the hive to the ground, emitting a cloud of insects which materialized into a human form. According to Vanessa, he looks “just like” Timotheé Chalamet, if Timotheé Chalamet was a college senior and was made out of four thousand bees.
“It was love at first sight, you know,” Vanessa told us. “I looked into his eight thousand dreamy eyes, heard his voice like a dozen lawnmowers in a garbage disposal, and I just felt something come over me. I had to get to know him.”
Vanessa’s friends are concerned about her dating someone (or something?) who appears to be further along in their lifespan than her, but she doesn’t seem to mind.
“My friends keep telling me, ‘Oh, he’s way older than you, he has different priorities, he’s literally a giant shifting cloud of stinging insects,’ but I love him. He makes me feel mature and understood.”
Vanessa’s friend, Janet, reached out to The Bunion to share her thoughts on the situation. “SHE IS ALLERGIC TO BEES! WHY DOES SHE THINK SHE CAN DATE FOUR THOUSAND OF THEM??”
Dating a swarm of bees is not without its own set of challenges, though. Vanessa still isn’t sure if she can fully trust him.
“You know, I want to believe everything he tells me, but he disappears for hours on end and just tells me that he’s ‘serving his queen.’ Whatever that means.” It’s been difficult for Vanessa to communicate with him sometimes. “When I try to have a conversation with him it feels like all he pays more attention to my house plants that me! Sometimes it feels like he’s not even human,” Vanessa said, aptly assessing her situation.
Not everyone can wrap their head around the idea of dating four thousand bees shaped like a man. “How does she, you know… How do they uh… Does she get stung a lot?” posed one particularly perverted passerby. According to Vanessa, she finds a thrill in the sense of danger. When we asked her about the specifics of their physical relationship, Vanessa gave us a four letter response.