By: Serena Ata

QUESTROM — Astrology has taken colleges by storm, erecting a social order built on prescribed personality traits and fixed formulas for compatibility. It unites students from all walks of life—extending its influence from granola girls seeking “purpose” to the horny finance-bros pursuing them. Still, one sector of our campus has remained untouched by the astrology craze, a school whose blazer-clad students rise above the madness: Questrom School of Business. 

Our team decided to investigate this phenomenon from within, infiltrating Questrom with intentions to gather students’ insights. What we ultimately found, however, was far more illuminating than anything we could’ve anticipated.

“Fuck astrology—you ever heard of Myers-Briggs?” said Chadley Walker (QSTRM ‘24), a self-proclaimed “future father of a trust fund baby.” He swiveled his laptop around to face us, revealing a brightly colored display emblazoned with “16 Personalities” across the header. “I’m telling you, it’s way more legit than all of that space shit.” 

Chadley proceeded to pull up marketwatch.com, which had been running in a separate tab all along. “If there was a way to invest in 16 Personalities, I’d be all over that shit. I’ve decided that the next best thing I can do is invest all of my time… so this is how I’ve been keeping busy, ever since McKenzie…” His voice trailed off. A single tear formed in his left eye, streaking down his cheek and onto his fake Rolex. “I’m sorry,” he apologized between sobs. “The wound is still fresh.” 

Five excruciating minutes of silence and ten snotty Kleenex later, Chadley mustered the strength to continue. “My girlfriend—I mean,  ex… McKenzie… she broke up with me once she discovered that our sun signs aren’t compatible.” He shook his head. “I’m a Pisces; she’s an Aries… so I guess our relationship just wasn’t written in the stars.” He choked back a tear, taking in a deep breath. “And that’s when I realized: astrology is just so divisive. It tears people apart; it stands in the way of true love.” His gaze grew distant. “You know, she was the best piece of ass I’ve ever tapped.”

We spoke to Chadley’s best friends, Brandon Barker and Jerry Geraldson (QSTRM ‘24), about their thoughts on his Myers-Briggs fixation. Brandon offered to comment first: “To be honest, I think he’s just hurting. McKenzie was fine as fuck, so like, that’s gotta be tough.” Jerry nodded. “Yeah, we’re just kinda riding this wave ‘til Chad pulls it together.” According to Brandon and Jerry, there have been times when Chadley’s diversion has spiraled out of control—like when he erected a shrine to Karl Marx, on the premise that they share personality types. Brandon and Jerry found this to be in direct conflict with Questrom’s capitalistic principles, and staged an intervention to ensure that Chadley didn’t lose sight of his core values.

McKenzie Kleinman (CFA ‘25) declined to comment on her relationship with Chadley and his newfound obsession. Instead, she left us with a resounding set of parting words: “I bet INTJ translates to ‘asshole.’”

Leave a Reply