WEST DINING HALL—The Bunion reporters were moved to tears yesterday morning after hearing the sad story of Allen Owne (CAS ‘20), a student who will never get the experience of using a guest swipe because he has no friends. Al Owne’s tale proved especially devastating when coupled with the fact that having no friends to use a guest swipe for not only means no friends at BU, but no friends at all.

“Friends? Wait, is that like a club? Or a class?” Owne asked in an interview with The Bunion.

Owne’s roommate, Fred Lee (CAS ‘20) reported deep concern for Owne’s social life. “So I came back to my room with a couple friends Friday night and Al was just sitting at his laptop RSVPing “interested” to SpongeBob events on Facebook. It wasn’t even like he had people to go to the events with. And to top it off, he was drinking Mountain Dew out of a plastic cup. Who drinks Mountain Dew?”

“Guest swipes? Forget it. There’s no way Al has friends coming in from out of town to visit. Unless he wants to pluck prospective students off their tours and encourage them to try a freshly charred omelette, he’s hopeless,” Lee added.

At press time, Owne’s fate was confirmed after he accidentally referred to Bay State Dining Hall as “Marciano Commons.”

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