Photoshopped by Maddy Schmidt (COM '21)
Ethan Brown (COM/CAS '21)

Ethan Brown is a senior from Bethel, Connecticut majoring in Film & Television and Environmental Analysis & Policy with a minor in Innovation & Entrepreneurship. He also started a comedy podcast and never stops talking about it, so he's arguably even worse than improv people. You probably shouldn't even read his articles, it'll just encourage him.

CLAFLIN HALL—Following an unlucky draw in the housing lottery, BU Barnes & Noble was forced to let go of its dream to live in a Myles Standish suite and succumb to a triple in Claflin Hall.

“This really sucks,” lamented store manager Barney S. Nobel. “After receiving 8 reminder emails per day for the last 500 days that the On-Campus Housing Application due date was approaching, I decided to fill it out and what number do they give me? 42,069? You can’t even get a dumpster in east campus with that!”

After seeing the failed attempt at a Myles Suite, Barnes & Noble researched the next best option: off-campus housing. However, after touring 50 apartment buildings, Flim Flam Real Estate informed the bookstore franchise that their off-campus search was futile.

“Every lease in Boston requires that tenants have no pets,” explained Flim Flam’s head realtor Ripp U. Off in an email to The Bunion. “And if you’ve ever stepped foot inside that Barnes & Noble, you’ll see that they have dogs everywhere. There’s like dozens of them piled up in baskets sorted by size. What landlord would ever allow that?”

In the face of desperation, with deadlines looming and options waning, Barnes & Noble fell from grace. At 7:53pm last night, the Boston University Class of 2021 reeled to find a post in their Facebook page from the company:

“Hey guys! Hope you all survived midterms lol xD anyway I was wondering if anyone has a single in Myles. Hoping to do a pull-in. Hmu or message me haha.”

The post received 3 angry reacts and 0 comments, committing the obsolete corporation to an eternity in the top bunk of a Claflin triple.

At press time, the BU Shuttle announced it was adding a new bus route with a stop only 5 miles away from the new Barnes & Noble location.

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