“Um, Saige… are you okay?”

“I’m extraordinary. As if the autumn breeze has given me the breath of life,” she said, while reading a copy of Moby Dick. “You should really try it some time.”

I have never been so confused in my entire life. Saige, the girl who once tried flossing with rope, is now reading a 750-page book? And giving me advice? 

It only got worse when we sat down at the cafeteria, interrupting my bites of slimy turkey sandwiches to discuss economic trends and give life advice to the two viewers of her Facebook Live. 

“Fall asleep by candlelight, and find your dreams have sparked into action,” she said. 

Or find your house burned down, I thought.

Okay, this is getting spooky. Did she drink some weird magical potion that gave her all the answers? I feel like I saw that on Wizards of Waverly Place once. 

I had to do some investigating. When she was off telling an unsuspecting stranger about “the fragility of our everyday lives,” I rummaged through her backpack. And there it was. 

Thousands of empty Dove’s chocolate wrappers, filling her with candy-inspired wisdom of the Gods. I picked up a few…

  1. “Never doubt your ability to climb the moon. It will only bring you closer to the stars.”
  2. “When life isn’t going right, go left.”
  3. “Always remember that you are an important piece in this puzzle we call life.”
  4. “Just do it.”

It’s time to realign the universe. Rewrite some of Dove’s wisdom into ideas more appropriate for a girl who once ate a corn-dog stick-first…

She returned to the table, secretly pulled out one of her handy wisdom cheat-sheets, and started sharing her knowledge with anyone who would listen…

  1. “Fall asleep on public transit with your purse wide open. Let your money breathe!”
  2. “Why are you sitting and reading a candy wrapper right now? I know you have more important stuff to do. Like TP your math teacher’s house.”
  3. “Brushing your teeth is optional.”
  4. “Look behind you. No, to your other left.”
  5. “Act suspiciously toward all kind people. They’re probably trying to weaken you so they can murder you one day.”

UPDATE: I may have gone too far. She so rigidly and literally follows the words of the metallic wrappers that it caused her to light sparks, run for mayor, and live like there’s no tomorrow. 

The city may be in trouble.

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