Cranberry sauce. Revolutionary. “The compounds found in cranberry sauce can help shield you from free radical damage that can foster cancer growth,” says ABC13. Antioxidants, great for the system. But, this holiday season, we want to talk about the real benefits of turkey’s favorite jelly-like substance that are being harmfully overlooked.

First and foremost, the cranberry is an amazing way to keep away those nasty UTIs. Drinking it, praying to it, and lathering up in it. Cranberry sauce is easily spreadable and much more wearable than the liquidy cranberry juice alternative that UTI-prone individuals are familiar with. If you do not want a UTI, scientists recommend that you cover yourself head to toe in cranberry. When utilizing this preventative measure, scientist Danny McRib says that it is completely ok for yourself and your partner to indulge in “sexy-time”: “Hell, I’d even recommend pairing yourself with a mashed potato side.” For more of Dr. McRib’s expertise, visit him at his office: the Park Street T-Station. 

Another wonderful way to use cranberry sauce this Thanksgiving is giving back to the bog. Those farmers have got to farm something, so throwing a little extra berry slop back into where nature intended it is more than helpful. “Uhhhh, that isn’t necessarily how cranberry farming works,” says Ocean Spray’s head farmer, Craig Reno, “but, yeah, we’d accept the sauce I guess.” Acceptance, community, giving-back. That is what the holiday season is all about. 

Finally, let’s talk about how cranberry sauce can get you away from those crazy relatives… we’ve all got them! The rich red color of cranberry sauce is not for nothing: Dr. McRib and his associates have actually hypothesized that the cranberry evolved to it’s ruby color in order to help animals protect themselves from predators. How, you may ask? The proof is in the pudding… or… sauce. While no one is looking, smear a handful of grandma’s famous cranberry sauce all across your chest, close your eyes, and watch the magic unfold. According to Dr. McRib, “your psycho in-laws will call up an ambulance and you can jump out the window once you get on the highway.” Disclaimer: we recommend practicing this maneuver before the big day.

It is important that we recognize the benefits of cranberry sauce from a more holistic point of view in the future. The sauce does not just cure cancer… it is so much more than that. Happy Thanksgiving, all. 

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