SOUTH CAMPUS—This morning’s hangover is still going strong, reports confirmed.

“Fuck. Ugh. Never again,“ said the author of this article.

The author of this article, who consumed tequila and beer at various bars and parties last night, still feels horrible, well into the afternoon.

“Death,” he added.

The author of this article, who is drastically dehydrated and sleep deprived, has been unable to sleep due to a pounding headache and unable to drink water due to intense waves of nausea.

The author of this article is currently in bed watching Netflix, as he has been for the past 6 hours.

“Shit,” said the author in a public comment. “Shit.”

At press time, the author of this article is going out again tonight.

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