CAS—Many sources have told The Bunion that Jared Commit (CAS’ 20) constantly eats greek yogurt in class, distracting other students.

Students who are in Intro to Philosophy with Commit have complained that he repeatedly licks the lid of the yogurt before actually eating it.

“I know it’s a huge lecture, but man, I can’t stop staring at Jared with the yogurt,” stated Max Loopik (CAS ’19). “I try sitting on the other side of the classroom, but the way he flicks his tongue onto the lid keeps my eyes glued directly on him until he finishes that smelly yogurt!”

Even Professor Segal, who teaches the class, shared his opinion on the way Commit enjoys his morning yogurt.

“It is very hard for me to teach when Jared is licking his yogurt lid,” said Segal. “Especially because Jared makes noises as he licks, which is extremely disturbing.”

Jared Commit shared with The Bunion his extravagant process of eating yogurt every morning.

“First, I carefully take the yogurt out of my backpack. Then, I slowly peel the lid about a quarter of an inch and lick the first inches of the lid. Next, I remove the lid entirely- and lick it and lick it and lick it, until it is completely silver to the point where I see my reflection. After, I strategically blow on the yogurt to make sure there are no unworthy particles damaging its quality. Finally, I dive my spoon into the yogurt, take that first delicious bite of heaven into what I think Greece tastes like, and grin from ear to ear.”

At press time, sources report that Jared Commit was actually eating sour cream.

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