GEORGE SHERMAN UNION—A new store was added to the rotation of the GSU’s “Takin’ It To The Streets,” earlier today to unprecedented critical acclaim. The “Carcinogen Kitchen” specializes in processed meats such as bacon and sausage, as well as other fan-favorite foods such as bacon-wrapped sausage.

“My dream restaurant now exists. I’m so happy I could die,” said Anthony Jackson (COM ‘19). “I don’t know what a carcinogen is but it sounds delicious!”

Some have criticized the establishment for it’s potential health risks, particularly in regard to heart health. In response, “Carcinogen Kitchen” now offers healthier alternatives, such as fruit and vegetable plates.

“We understand the need for options for vegan or other health-conscious individuals,” explained Carcinogen Kitchen manager Luke Imiander, “and so we’re proud to offer organic meals that have been bombarded with pesticides and chemicals to ensure maximum health.”

“We’re making sure to get those grill marks nice and fresh on every piece of meat we cook and bred we grill,” said Imiander, “We’ll get you loaded up on all the carcinogens you could ever want!”

At press time, the most popular item offered was the “Cancer Kebab,” a crab skewer with chunks of bacon-wrapped sausage, served on the patented glowing “plutonium plate” with a pack of cigarettes on the side.

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