By Yael Hayem

Shortly after the grand reveal of the Plan B vending machine in the basement of the GSU, the event was met with widespread criticism. 

In an act of protest, the cretins outside of campus’ Planned Parenthood and the Conservative club joined forces to replace the vending machine with a claw machine that was stolen from a nearby arcade. The claw machine contains loose contraceptives (that have been dumped out of their packaging) as well as one Nintendo DS and a used plush toy of Dean Elmore, all of which the students will never be able to reach. 

To use the claw machine (and fail), swipe your student ID into the arcade card slot and watch as the claw teases you by hovering down and grabbing air at speeds of 5,000 mph. 

Aria (QST ‘24), who punched a wall on the third floor of Mugar last week, dished on her experience: “I ran out of birth control and cried out pure hormones as I swiped my convenience points six times trying to grab a singular pill with the claw.”

If pills aren’t your thing, don’t fret. A short blade will be glued to the claw next week to poke holes in the condoms. 

Since its opening last week, one student has miraculously managed to get something out: a stray acceptance letter to the Mormon university BYU which includes 6,000$ in tuition for abstinence courses. 

“I’ve slept on the floor of the basement every night to get to the machine first thing in the morning,” said Michael (CAS ‘23), who regularly plays the GSU piano. Loser. “The goal is to make the blade poke a hole in the used plush toy of Elmore and then get the toy out of the machine… for a friend,” he stuttered. 

Michael goes to show that for the both the sexually active and sex-deprived, the claw machine is an absolute nightmare. Tune in next month when it gets replaced yet again, this time with an animatronic leprechaun that makes each student solve a set of unintelligible riddles before receiving their birth control.

Leave a Reply