Photoshopped by David Simon (COM '21)

Shannon Damiano is a sophomore from New Jersey studying Media Science. If her roommate is reading this, she knows you ate her hummus.

GEORGE SHERMAN UNION- A student playing the piano in the George Sherman Union was tarred and feathered yesterday after an angry mob attacked him.

According to BUPD, the unnamed victim played Beethoven’s Moonlight Sonata for 7 hours straight. Upon refusal to stop, a mass of 18,514 undergrads overwhelmed him, dipped him in pine tar, and rolled him in goose feathers.

In response to the attack, Boston University Dean of Students Kenneth Elmore said that, after the Ben Shapiro talk earlier this year, campus division is at an all-time high. It was nice to see the population united on something, even if it was the public humiliation of a fellow student.

“If they couldn’t agree on the fact that white nationalism is bad, I’m happy that they can all at least agree that GSU piano players are annoying,” said Elmore.

The tar and feathers were provided by Tom Conford (COM ‘21), who said he was walking through the GSU at the time of the tarring and ensuing feathering.

“It was kind of serendipitous,” he said, “I was just wandering around with my vat of tar and big bag of feathers and saw this angry mob.”

The student body is currently considering other medieval forms of punishment for equally heinous offenses. People who take the Warren elevator to anything below the eighth floor will be placed in stocks, and individuals who grab dining hall desserts with their hands will be drawn and quartered.

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