GSU—Following years of complaints from college students and the general public, the Boston College Green Line of the Massachusetts Bay Transportation Authority has called a press conference to address its “haters.”
“First off, I’m tired of everyone bitching at me,” the green line said. “I bet you’ve been wondering where I went. Well, during the snow I sat my ass on my couch and didn’t do shit for days so all you underappreciating motherfuckers would miss me.”
“It sure as fuck worked, didn’t it?” the green line continued as its attachment cables began sparking hazardously in anger.
The hulking container’s angry opening remarks extended to the region’s “fucking freezing” record-breaking snow and “blatantly insulting” remarks about transit effectiveness during a proposed Olympics bid.
The B line went on to address those who feel the green line must be updated or replaced.
“I’m all you got. I have problems like everyone else,” the green line continued. “Am I unreliable and often late? Totally. Have I killed people? Sure. Do I constantly screech for no reason? Of course. But no one’s perfect, least of all you impatient, poor-journey planning, white-collar working fuckwads.”
Bunion reporters asked the green line why it couldn’t be more like the MBTA blue line, both in terms of dependability and cleanliness.
“Sure, maybe the blue line is sexier and doesn’t smell like a homeless man shat himself,” the green line admitted. “But who’s there for you when you want to go to Kenmore Square? Me. Some of the time.”
Boston University students had mixed reactions to the press conference.
“Sure, riding the green line is more excruciating than getting your legs ripped off by a bear while the love of your life leaves you, but like, I’m not gonna walk,’’ said Philip Smith (CAS ’16).
At press time, the green line was experiencing delays at Kenmore Square and you can go fuck yourself.