By: Luciano Foranoce

This year’s “Fool’s Spring,” while I was festering in my un-air conditioned room, sweating enough to lose several pounds of water weight, I heard a tour guide outside saying that these dorms provide “a sense of comfortable living.” I just about lost it, and promptly passed out. When I next awoke, I saw something frightening out the window. Across the street, from another brownstone, I saw the front door slam open. In its frame, I saw someone… something short, green, and downright devious.

This irate little gentleman waddled down the front steps of the brownstone, tongue out, panting, almost certainly looking for its next victim. The waddle turned into a skitter as I saw this creature charge towards a nearby tour group. I’m surprised the guide didn’t see it, but I guess they were too focused on walking backwards in the most annoying way possible.

Giggling, akin to the pig from Angry Birds, the goblin ran between the legs of some distracted younger sibling, forced to attend, in the back of the crowd. With a level of mathematical precision, I saw it trip someone of just the right stature in the middle of the crowd. What happened next, dear reader, would put any professional bowler to shame. With this one person tripped, the rest of the group fell like dominoes. The tour guide was aghast, but not enough to stop their script (the show must go on), as this little gremlin let out the most vile and phlegm-filled cackle and scrambled to the next group.

As a professional investigative reporter here at The Bunion, I know a scoop when I see one. I threw on my fur-lined crocs and raced out of my dorm, following the sounds of screaming parents and congested sidewalks. Upon further investigation, I saw the streets of Comm Ave and Bay State roads in shambles. One group had all of their shoelaces tied together, another had all been pantsed, and yet another group was running in fear as several goblins chased them, notably in the shape of a perfect sine curve.

Carefully avoiding the commotion, and weaving my way through unsuspecting groups, I managed to note some of the similarities between these goblins. They were rather sickly looking, as if they hadn’t left whatever hovel they call home in days, weeks even. And they all had the same sort of shirt on. I managed to clock the words “College of Engineering.” Oh. That explains a lot, actually.

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