WARREN DINING—In light of the many new age dieting fadsthat have excited the country, many people have decided to take on a glutenfree appetite. Sources report that Gluten, a protein that is commonly found in wheat, doesn’t mind that so many people have decided to get rid of it. In fact, it’s, “glad it got rid of you too.”
“You think I needed this relationship? Please, I’m cheap, a lot cheaper than whatever organic ‘aura cleansing’ shit you’re buying at Whole Foods. Someone out there will want me.” said Gluten, surrounded by piles of tissues and wearing a pair of sweatpants with a three day old ice cream stain on them.
Gluten explained that there are several benefits to getting rid of human digestion in their daily schedule. It takes Gluten “a lot of energy to make sure that you are constantly bloated and not sleeping as well as you could be,” and don’t even get Gluten started on how much work goes in to filling your damn body with toxins.
“Just try and not run into me at your local bakery. I dare you. Just try” Gluten said maniacally. “Its not over, I’m everywhere.”
In the last 2 years, over 1.6 million people have given up Gluten, which means Gluten, rather impressively, has a higher divorce rate than Brittney Spears.
“It’s not that I didn’t love it when it all started,” said Gluten, more reflectively than before, “its just that I’m getting a little old for all of this, and I’m glad one of us initiated the split!”
At press time, Gluten was spending its free time doing what ever the hell he wants, because it has free time now that it isn’t busy putting up with your damn bullshit.