Photoshopped by Lauren Kelmar (COM '21).

As you can imagine, the job market during a global pandemic is especially competitive. Millions of recent graduates have been doom scrolling through LinkedIn looking for jobs and reasons to get up in the morning. During this frustrating time, Ima Owtta-Werk (COM ‘20) has found a way to outshine her fellow applicants. 

“I was looking at my qualifications, and while my internship at The View is impressive, I figured that everyone has that experience!” Owtta-Werk explained. “So, I sat myself down and thought about my cute little life and the things that I’ve achieved during my 23 years. After a lot of thought, and an edible, I remembered that I was a trainer at Wii Sports Resort.”

Owtta-Werk, who brought a Wii Balance Board with her to the interview, proceeded to reminisce on her time spent at the resort. 

“I remember it like it was yesterday, because it was. The crystal-clear waters of Wuhu Island rush through my veins. Every morning I’d take a large group of complete strangers out to the ocean to wakeboard and canoe. Sometimes we’d switch things up and play vicious games of basketball, or we’d ride our bikes directly into the ocean. We were incapable of making turns…and do not get me started on my Frisbee accident.” 

But The Pinky Toe did intentionally get Owtta-Werk started on her Frisbee accident, and this is what she had to say.

“It was a Mii and me on the Frisbee golf course. I have the Frisbee throw of a white, male, virgin—so I’m really good at Frisbee. I flung the disk towards the Mii, hitting his stupid bobble head. The Frisbee ricocheted off of his noggin, hitting me directly between the eyes. I have been clinically ugly ever since.” 

Since Owtta-Werk has decided to place Wii Sports Resort Trainer at the forefront of her resume, she has received several interview inquiries from production companies ranging from Netflix to 20th Century Studios. John Smith, A representative from Netflix’s employment offices, graciously agreed to offer some words on Owtta-Werk’s application. 

“She is maybe the worst applicant that we have ever seen. When we asked her about The View, she told us to ‘ask Whoopi.’ Like, what does that even mean? But I have to say, when we saw that she had listed ‘Wii Sports Resort Trainer’ on her resume, the entire office collectively peed their pants,” Smith said. “I knew that I had to offer her an interview just to see if she was a real person. I assure you that there is not a chance in hell that she will make it past the first round of applicants.” 

The Pinky Toe wishes every 2020 graduate luck as they try to navigate this scarce job market. But we wish extra luck to Ms. Owtta-Werk, who needs it the most.

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