Well, Valentine’s day is just around the corner, and you know what that means: It’s time to get your lover a gift!
“But Sophia, I don’t have a lover because of COVID-19!”
Yada, yada, yada! Grow up! I’m fully aware that the only person that you’ve been cuddling with is your weighted blanket. That thing has guided you through sleepless nights, helped you through trauma, and suffocated you when you needed it the most. And what have you done for Mr. Weighted Blanket? Nothing. Jack shit. This is why you need to get him something for cupid’s day, baby!
“But Sophia, what should I get him?”
Will you stop asking these dumb-ass questions, you lonely little shit? Put away that pile of clothes that’s been sitting in the corner of your room and listen up. I have compiled a list of things to get your blanket for Valentine’s day. You don’t have to give me credit. You’re such a mess that he’ll know that you enlisted help. Good luck, babe.
1. a bath
You haven’t showered in three days. He hasn’t bathed in nine months. He’s gasping for air. He needs a break, but he’s too polite to ask. Throw your blanket in the wash and let him have a self-care day. Oh, and while he’s doing his thing, you should take a shower. You smell like Cheetos.
2. Nicholas Sparks Box Set
Your weighted blanket wasn’t with you during your Nicholas Sparks phase–that lucky fuck. Which means that he hasn’t REALLY seen you sad. Buy him a Nicholas Sparks box set so that you can keep that crying streak going for nine more months. He’ll have to be extra heavy during Dear John. Amanda Seyfried hive, unite!
3. Pretty Lady Pillow
Here’s the thing…you’re a human. Your weighted blanket is…a blanket. You two aren’t physically attracted to each other. Back at Best Buy, before you bought him, Mr. Weighted Blanket used to sleep around with all of the My Pillows. He misses that thrill. Mike Lindell might be an asshole, but he knows how to make a blanket horny. So, this Valentine’s Day, open up your relationship and invite a third. Your blanket deserves it.
4. Another Weighted Blanket
After watching Safe Haven five times in a row, your weighted blanket might be feeling depressed. You know what helps with depression? Weighted blankets. Cancel out his depression by adding another weighted blanket to the mix. He’ll be happier, and you will feel like you are stuck under a small RV. It’s a win-win, I’d say!
Have a great Valentine’s Day! Just kidding, I know you’re not doing anything.