Photoshopped by Michael Yue (CAS '23)
Thomas Silver

Tom is a freshman from the NYC area studying Linguistics in CAS. He likes maps.

A SKETCHY ALLEY BEHIND THE 808 TESTING SITE– There’s another epidemic plaguing Boston University: A gang rivalry. The back alleys of campus are the battleground for a turf war between student gang Fuck It Won’t Cut and rival organization Don’t Go Viral as the two fight for control of BU’s COVID messaging.

The BU Bus has been exclusively Fuck Its turf ever since the gang vandalized it with their logo in September. The catalyst for the latest clashes came when Fuck It tagged the Greek rock by the GSU, just feet away from trash cans that had been undisputed Don’t Go Viral territory. If gang members see their rivals on their turf, they jump them with nasal swab shanks and cough on them.

Members of Fuck It can be identified by their distinctive blue surgical masks, while Don’t Go Viral members all have a teardrop tattoo in the shape of a coronavirus. They identify each other by throwing up gang signs illustrating the proper 20-second hand-washing technique.

At press time, Fuck Its leader, Big Swab (COM ‘21), was organizing an affiliate prison gang in isolation housing.

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