Ah yes, the religious van parked across the street from the Howard Thurman Center for Common Ground. You can’t miss it. Every day the vehicle silently rolls onto campus, like a homophobic Banksy piece, and acts in God’s image by taking up a student parking spot. For the most part, Boston University students have chosen to ignore the van’s presence on campus. However, last Friday, Biff Nougat (COM ‘25) performed his take on the stations of the cross (attempting to get ice cream.)
“It’s pretty simple, I love ice cream, and vans have ice cream,” explained Nougat. “So, when I saw the van parked in front of the Howard Stern Center for Common Sense, I was just so psyched.”
In a Kik message riddled with typos, Nougat informed The Bunion that he had “hopd that van would have strawberry shortcake Good Humor bar” because it “tastes really good.”
In a separate, equally inarticulate message, Nougat liberally utilized the surprised face emoji to convey the shock he experienced when he learned of the van’s intentions.
“It’s so misleading,” said Nougat in a follow-up Zoom interview. “Like, I assumed the wordy blankets lining the outside of the van were put there to keep the people inside warm. It was cold on Friday. You feel me?” By blankets, Nougat is of course referring to a collection of hanging sheets that display deep-cut bible verses on the outside of the vehicle—bible verses so pious that even Justin Bieber would refrain from posting them on his Instagram story.
When asked about the driver of the van’s response to his requests for ice cream, Nougat told The Bunion that the gentleman “was lowkey weird,” explaining that the man behind the wheel told him that “God isn’t just in your ice cream, he’s all around us.” Later that day, Nougat approached the van a second time, urging the man to fulfill his frozen dairy requests. But things became clear for Nougat after the driver of the vehicle invited him inside.
“He asked me to ride with him to Chick-Fil-A, which I thought was odd. Then, when I refused, he asked if I had $10,000 to spare to support his initiative to stop atheist children from watching the Bravo network. That’s when I realized that maybe he wasn’t selling ice cream.”
After a lengthy smoke break, Nougat told us that his “crew” was also shocked to hear that the van was not a beacon of icy dessert splendor.
“Yo, they were so mad. You had to see my friend Rick’s face when I told him that the van was actually for preaching the word of Jesus Christ.” Despite Nougat’s comment, The Bunion was lucky enough to see Rick’s face for the duration of the Zoom interview being that he was stationed next to Nougat to “grind his weed for him” in between questions.
“I still want ice cream,” Nougat mentioned through a cloud of smoke, “but I live above this church called J.P. Lick’s, so there are really no dessert destinations in my vicinity.”
The Bunion wishes Nougat and his “crew” luck on their pursuit of ice cream. In the meantime, our publication is planning to send a group of reporters to the van disguised as the cast of The Sister Act to further investigate the situation at hand. More on that soon.