Sources reported that Laurence Collins (COM ’17) has returned from his semester abroad and is more sophisticated and well mannered than you and all your friends.

“I’ve eaten pizza. You know, real pizza, like from Italy. I hope now you understand why It’s a little difficult for me to see eye to eye with everyone else from now on,” stated Collins between puffs of a clove cigarette. “Yesterday someone asked me if my fountain pen was a quill. I mean honesty, why do I even try?”

“It’s times like these that I wish I was across the pond again so I could just pop open a bottle of pinot and discuss Camus with my pansexual friend, Tawny, so everything would be better,” added Collins.

Collins’ sudden cultural ascent has not gone unnoticed by his friends and peers.

“He keeps referring to his watch as ‘small ben’ and then will laugh to himself and tell me that, ‘I wouldn’t get it,’” claimed a friend of Collins, Marcy Putz (SAR ’17). “I’m actually British! I know what Big Ben is,” Putz added, “also we don’t refer to clocks as different sizes of Ben! That’s not a thing anyone does.”

Collins was also seen lecturing Mark Poccurio (CAS ’16), a barista at the GSU Starbucks, about everything that is wrong about coffee in America and insisting that his french press, ‘changed his life’.

At press time Collins was heard complaining that his contract with ComCast didn’t offer BBC as a regular channel on his “telly”.

Leave a Reply